Things Fall Apart
“And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
This week has been a struggle. I could list all the reasons I can think of to explain why, but that hardly seems important or helpful. The bottom line is this week I have lost the meaningfulness of what I’m doing…with this blog…with trying to change my life…with yoga…with running…with weight loss…with anxiety & depression. “The falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;” Am I the “best without conviction” or the “worst full of passionate intensity?”
If you actually read this blog from the beginning, I think (hope) you’ll find a huge transformation has taken place. Without this blog it’s hard for me to see it because I’m living it every day. The small investments don’t seem that important in the big picture of life, but on the reflection of it, the devil seems to be in the details. And this week I’ve lost sight of the bigger picture; and I question whether that’s as it should be or not.
This week I read this Zen proverb:
A Zen student has a penchant for writing to his teacher monthly with an account of his development. His letters began to take a mystical turn when he wrote, “I am experiencing a oneness with the universe.” When his teacher received this letter, he merely glanced at it and threw it away. The next month the student wrote, “I have discovered that the divine is present in everything.” His teacher used this letter to start his fire. A month later, the student had become even more ecstatic and wrote, “The mystery of the one and many has revealed itself to my wonderment,” at which his teacher yawned. The following month, another letter arrived, which simply said, “There is no self, no one is born, and no one dies.” At this his teacher threw his hands up in despair. After the fourth letter, the student stopped writing to his teacher, and after a year had passed, the teacher began to feel concerned and wrote to his student, asking to be kept informed of his spiritual progress. The student wrote back with the words “Who cares?” When the teacher read this, he smiled and said, “At last! He’s finally got it!”
This story was included in the Tricycle Daily Dharma for February 19th. The entire article was entitled “Letting Go of Spiritual Experience,” and it hit me like a sack of bricks. It explained that experiences on a spiritual path, though they motivate us when they’re positive, are fickle. The article essentially explained that the mountain-top experience comes only because of all the efforts of climbing that preceded it. Somehow when we’re on top, we forget the struggle it took to get us there. But these mountain-top experiences AND the climbing experiences are all just experiences. They come and go, and there is little if any meaning in them. And I can’t seem to shake this. All these changes I’m pushing myself to live through are just meaningless experiences.
So what’s the point of losing the weight or of learning yoga or how to run a half marathon? Aside from my yoga teacher and running coach who have vested interests in my progress, I’m doing this on my own and for myself only to find that there’s nothing of substance in it. I can’t seem to find a good reason for willingly putting myself through all of this. And I don’t think the apathy of the Zen proverb is the answer. I don’t want to be the ignorant and misguided Zen student before his realization, but I certainly don’t want to become apathetic either. I’ve been there, and when you’re already prone to depression, apathy is definitely not healthy to flirt around with.
Despite the lack of motivation this week and despite how hard it has become, I’ve still done everything on my training plan. I’m not sure why I’m doing it, but I am. And this week hasn’t been a mountain top experience, but I’m still climbing. And I’m only wrapping up week 3. I have 11 more weeks of this ahead of me. I hope this experience passes soon. Until then, it’s chop wood, carry water.
Posted on February 23, 2013, in Life Lessons, Peaceful Life, Running, Spiritual Life, Yoga and tagged balance, Buddhism, Culture, diet, fitness, half-marathon, healthy-living, lifestyle change, mental-health, mindfulness, peace, running, spirituality, Suffering. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.
chop wood, carry water, sweep the whole place…
As soon as there is something considered important, it becomes a nest – Ta Hui
If there is a point of the known anywhere, that is an agent of birth – Ajahn Chah
There is a volitional impulse to every thought – Ajahn Punnadhammo
As soon as you sense any lingering or obstruction, all of it is false imagining. Just make your mind clean and free, like space, like a mirror, like the sun in the sky. – Yuan wu (1063-1135)
Thank you, Fred.
I’m wordier than Fred.
Practically speaking, this is an entirely normal experience in any arduous process. All grad students, for example, in trying to get their PhD eventually go through a phase where they forget why they’re there, why they wanted to do this in the first place, and consider just quitting. Some do quit. The rest get PhDs. That phase can be considered the real test of any PhD program.
Spiritually speaking, whether these experiences are meaningless or not will depend on you. Maybe not the you right now. Maybe the you five weeks from now, five years from now, five decades from now. Different meanings at different times. And at the now time, obviously, meaningless.
The meaning isn’t in the experience. The meaning is in you.
One of the hazards of joining a training program like the one you’re in is that the people involved can shift your focus from Being to Achieving. And once you’re trying to achieve something, you’ve become attached (as Fred, and the zen story, acutely point out).
Such a hazard isn’t a reason to avoid it — it’s just something to be mindful of.
What you’re feeling right now *may* be a pushback, saying that Achievement Is Pointless! Rebellion against the authority of the peer-group/running coach. It’s another good call to mindfulness.
Your desire, as you’ve expressed it to me in the past, is to expand your horizons, to become more than what you are. And the discomfort that you’re experiencing is the natural result of pushing your boundaries past your comfort zones.
The suffering, such as it is, tends to be an attachment to something (usually not feeling that discomfort for one reason or another). You’re the best judge of what that might be today.
Whether or not to sticking to the current path is always a valid question. As circumstances change, it might be that your path needs to change. I’m always happy to talk about it if you like, to be your sounding board.
Thanks, Judson.
Also, I feel like balloons and streamers should be falling from the sky right now as you are the 100th comment. So, congratulations, for what it’s worth.
It’s so easy to read your expierience and see the is-ness of it. I have been there, or somewhere similar, and remember thinking while in the thick of the ‘valley’ that, “this is natural. the cycle, the undulation…this is how I expand and how my human capacities become available to me.” I also remember thinking, “this will pass” and, “I aint supposed to feel *good* right now. It’s only my job to *feel*”.
From the perspective of someone who all-too-recently rode that ride, you’re doin great.
Fred & Judson (and others),
I think this song by Fleet Foxes expresses my thoughts much better than I do. I’m not sure the link will work if you don’t have Spotify, so I’ve included a YouTube link as well.
http://open.spotify.com/track/1pbOvzdkL5iujppWgzBQdS
I read the first three sentences of this post and found myself clicking the follow button! Now I’m going back to finish the rest!
How flattering! Thank you very much. I only hope the remainder of the post lives up to those first three sentences!
It did! I typed so many lengthy responses, but in the end none of them seemed right. Suffice it to say you’ve got me thinking!
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